Just Revealed: The New Old has uncovered the BBC template for EVERY news story about dementia…


The humble hedgehog could play a vital role in fighting dementia, according to experts.

“Spending 10 minutes a day talking to a hedgehog can help stave off the dread disease by minutes, even hours,” according to researchers from the University of Western Samoa.

“We’ve known for years, for no other reason than their being news-friendly, that animals could hold the key in tackling this deadly neurological condition. Now we know for sure that these spiny little fellas could make a big difference in lots and lots of cases in lots and lots of ways. In most of our work something good happened, which has got to be good.”

“This report fits nicely with our pre-exisiting prejudices, which I should point out are shared by every other serious expert anywhere in the world. We meet up regularly to keep these myths alive and the money flowing in. This one piece of research is not definitive proof, and much more research by organisations like ours is going to be needed. It is important to treat this as a piece of serious research rather than a spurious good news story, otherwise 90% of what dementia researchers put out would rightly be called into question,” says another dementia researcher from another University which is also deeply doing nicely out of the dementia gravy-train.

A spokesman for one of the three national charities fighting for their market share of soft dementia money says:

“We welcome this research which obviously means we should receive truck-loads more money from the state to do our work. We are therefore not commenting, as we should do, on the flimsy nature and suspect methodology used in this research. Instead we intend to cite this widely and unthinkingly in our own material, thus perpetuating damaging myths in the public mind. This, of course, is the opposite of what we should be doing, but, hey, needs must. We have staff to pay.”

The report comes at a time when numbers of hedgehogs are facing a dramatic decline in the UK. A Government spokesman commented “We are investing record amounts of cold hard public cash in hedgehogs, alright? Now go away for crying out loud we have better things to do with our time.”